I can’t say that it’s been a study and stress free night, but I’ll definitely remember it. Lately, I’ve been having the problem of not realizing how little time I had left on campus for this semester. I guess I get caught up in the everyday life moments and trying to focus on everything I have to do before I head home.
I can honestly say that looking back on this semester, I can see way more great and amazing things than bad ones. Yes, I did struggle with withdrawing from people and cutting myself, but now I’ve found a niche in life that I love living.
It’s true that friendships come and go, and that some change, but I’m glad to be in the place I am now. I’ve gained numerous close friends that I can be myself around, and I feel so loved by all of them. I still watch the video they all put together for my birthday (I still tear up sometimes when I watch it). I’ve never felt so accepted by so many people at once, but that’s what happens when you move out into the world and basically start off knowing no one. I feel like my first year in Denton doesn’t even count because I never got to know a bunch of people like I did this year. I love them all, and consider them the closest part of my family.
I got on the Dean’s list for the fall the semester (and hopefully for spring too). I was kind of shocked at first, but it’s been even more of a motivational thing in my life to help me keep raising my GPA. Only 24 credit hours separate me from graduating next spring (hello senior year, you came quite quickly). I feel like soon I’ll be a fish out of water after I graduate and take a year off so I can get my GRE taken care of and gain some work experience. I hope that’s still going to be the right choice for me in the long run. And hopefully in the fall I can get on a research team and start building up references I can use in my applications for Grad school.
I also ended up getting the position of Vice President for BHA, and I hope I don’t disappoint myself or anyone else once fall gets here and I have to start taking up the responsibility for it. I just really hope that we can all stick together and work through every obstacle we face. I just don’t want to end up regretting running and hating it.
It will also soon be the 3 month anniversary of Alex and I on the 15th. Just 4 more days until then, but sadly I won’t get to spend it with him since he and I will both be in our respected places. I’m going to miss him so much over the summer, but I know that we’ll do our best to keep each other together. We’ve talked about so many hypothetical situations of why we would break up by now, and it doesn’t seem like it will actually happen, but I know we’re still in danger of emotions getting in the way of our happiness. I’m still really worried that he’ll cut me from the label of his girlfriend because he’s getting too stressed out from working and the summer courses he’ll be taking. As much as I trust him, only time will prove that he won’t drop me. I can’t imagine dating anyone else after him. He’s spoiled me in so many ways that I feel like I’ll always compare any other guy in the future to him and I’ll never be satisfied.
I’m excited to be home nonetheless though. I miss seeing Breezie and Mady like I used to last year during the weekends. I’m so proud that Mady will be graduating this May, but I know that means that her and Breezie will be moving farther away from Fruitvale too. It’s a double edged dose of pain having to leave Denton only to return home to my two best friends leaving there as well. I feel like I’m going to spend a lot of nights (when I’m not working) home alone stuck in my room and that makes me even more fearful about things with Alex.
One thing about summer that I’m really looking forward to is seeing James. I’ve really missed him a lot, but he’s coming back in August for his mother’s wedding (which I’m actually shocked is happening). I really hope that we can hang out a lot while he’s home for two weeks, but we’ll see. Maybe we can crash a few parties while he’s back.
Anyways, it’s about time I end this little release of writing and get some sleep. I have two finals tomorrow (today), with one being in a little less than 4 hours. Good night tumblers.
It’s not the fact that I’m mad at you because you don’t want to do physical stuff with me. While that idea does make me upset, it makes me even more upset that you didn’t get enough stuff done today so that you could spend time with me. That’s why I’m upset, because I got everything done that I needed to so I could have time for you, but you didn’t for me. That’s why I’m locked in my room right now and you think I’m mad at you. But I’m not mad at you (even though I’m mad because of other people), I’m upset. I’m upset because you didn’t make the effort to clear a part of your schedule to see me on the last night I can actually spend with you. And it hurts, and I’ll probably cry about it soon, but you’ll just think that I don’t want to see you. But there’s nothing more that I’d rather do right now than just see you and be with you. And you’re busy.
It’s like seeing the soon to be filled boxes in my room has finally made it clear that I will be moving out in 8 days, and that’s only 8 more days that I have to see Alex before I probably won’t all summer. I just got really sad.
Like 5 people have walked through the red room and said hi to me and/or hugged me. It makes me smile, but I still feel super alone. How did I get to this place where people are that happy to see me? I feel another quiet day coming.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of ups and downs about my appearance. Mostly in the negative sense. I just want to eliminate any kind of competition I would have against me at keeping Alex. He means everything to me and even though I know I wouldn’t lose him easily, I want to be everything he desires.
And it’s not just because of him that I want to lose an absurd amount of weight, while he is yet another reason why I want it gone, I also want to lose it because I’m tired of being the “bigger” girl. I’ve been her all my life, and I’m growing quite sick of myself.
I’m going to start cutting down my food intake and trying to get to the gym more. I can’t keep this weight on me anymore. This is killing me inside.
So, since it’s spring break, I finally have some time to breathe and write out some stuff. I feel like I haven’t had the time to do that in FOREVER. So here goes.
Things with Alex couldn’t be better. It’s already been over a month since we started dating officially. However, it doesn’t feel like a month, as far as the relationship goes, has passed. School, yes. Day by day process, yes. Drama level, yes. Relationship, is a no.
Yesterday was our first actual almost full day alone together. It was definitely interesting. We spent some quality alone time, which left me feeling a little out of sorts. It really stuck me in the back of my mind, so we talked it out over dinner at Rockfish Seafood, and I felt a lot better afterwards. I think that’s one of the things I cherish most about my relationship with him—that we have a great level of communication. It definitely left us on a positive high when we left and finished out our date night.
After another hour once we returned home, I got to meet his parents. So far they like me, and I hope that doesn’t change anytime soon. Alex’s mother did realize that I didn’t sleep downstairs last night, so now our cover is blown. But I understand that they want to set a good example for Eric, Alex’s 14 year old brother, so I don’t mind too much sleeping downstairs. It’s just a little bit of a damper on things, but Alex says we’ll still talk late like we always do.
Speaking of late night talks, last night we talked, and it was a really pleasant conversation. Our conversation was mostly centered around what were things we liked about our relationship and what were some things one of us thought we should work on. I’m happy to say that the goods outweighed the bads. He makes me so happy, and I really don’t ever want to let him go anytime soon.
Sadly, sometimes I still think about how my relationship affects some of my friendships, especially with Josh. I feel like the distance between us has really grown an extraordinary amount. I do make it a point to keep his facebook status updates coming to my phone, and when I find the time, I stalk his tumblr posts. Sometimes I really wish I knew the honest truth of him and me and where everything stands between us, but I have a feeling that will never happen. I can live with that though, I just hope he knows that I’m keeping him in my thoughts a lot.
Other than that, things have been pretty smooth sailing, other than having 4 exams last week, ending with a 90 question biology test. I felt like I was dying half way through that exam, mother of god. And besides school, drama has died down for the most part. People are beginning to realize who their real friends are, and I can’t complain in that. Not that I like seeing friendships fall apart, but the important thing for people to do in life is grow, and sometimes that means growing out of friendships.
As for the rest of the night, I’m looking forward to spending some time with Alex once he finishes studying, maybe a movie or something. But for now, Chiodos Bros (yeah, their super old stuff) strawberry candies for my throat and City of Bones.
Instructions:
Tongue painting.
1. Eat some colorful candy.
2. Lick this page.
What I did:
Instructions:
Fill this page with circles.
What I did:
Instructions:
Stand here. Wipe your feet up and down.
What I did:
Traced an outline of a picture of feet and then water colored the inside.
Instructions:
Page for negative comments.* What is your inner critic saying?
What I did:
Instructions:
No instructions. I filled a blank page.
What I did:
Instructions:
Bring this book in the shower with you.
What I did:
Instructions:
Make a funnel. Drink some water.
What I did:
Instructions:
Hang the journal in a public place. Invite people to draw here.
What I did:
